Moments I want to remember...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

and finally..Harmony in the Nude

I have much better baby pics, but this is the one I grabbed, I think I was only a few months old here, I was a big baby. You can't see how pretty the blanket is, but this is another keepsake I still have and my daughter recognized it in the picture, awwww, "Mommy, is that my blanky?".

One more, me in the belly, check out Max (my mom).....

Almost done, this is little Harmony, pre-school

This was one of my favorite stuffed animals, I still have it, I have pictures of my kids with this bunny somewhere

1979 - 5 years

1977 - 3 years

I loved the outdoors, but what kid doesn't

Here's grade school Harmony

1980 - 6 years

1981 - 7 years

My mom always took me sledding when we had snow, I remember this was a bad storm, but that's all I know.

My 12th Birthday

1986 -12 years
I was such a tomboy than, but as you can see I put earrings on, must have been my Mom's. This was my first co-ed party and my first time playing spin the bottle and all thise other fun games.

This picture below is how me putting this together came about, my daughter asked to see a picture of me when I was her age. What's even funnier, when she saw this she said "Mom, I am just like you, oh, except our faces", crazy girl.(in otherwords, our bodies are alike)
For all of you that have been to my magical camping spot, this is me in front of the tent right after my 10 birthday.

1984 - 10 years

Which one of these kids does not belong???

1986/87 - 12/13 years?
Me of course, I grea up in very multicultural areas and found myself to always be the only white girl, in high-school my nickname was Casper because of this. I think the was 7th grade, may have been 8th. I remember when I first got to this school I was so upset and in shock because there were no black people there and I was so uncomfortable, I went home crying to my Mom that I was never going back, but I found a little group to hang out with. :)

This is David, my first crush cause I thought he looked like Kirk Cameron :)

1987 - 13 years

Oh to be young again and look like ...

THIS!!! My junior year, went to Ft Lauderdale, my friend and I that went had matching out-fits and bikinis, wow looking at the pics from this trip was great, they are HORRIBLE, this is the only one that was okay. I have my boyfriend's watch on and on my ankle was a little anklet I made with his name on it. Whoa

1990 16 years

1988 14 years

I know, I know, it was a BAD perm and I liked peach at 14, I have no excuse. This is great, I am in a dressing room trying on dressed and we took pictures to show our parents. Can you belive I went from this to above, Thank Goodness!!!

My life and pics growing up (finally)....

I am going to start from recent and go back. This is right after I graduated in '92.

1992 18 years

1991 17 years

Hee hee, don't I look happy, this was homecoming my Senior Year, the night before at the football game I got in a huge fight and was just not in the mood, as you can tell. In the picture Tony and I took at the dance, you can see my bruised, cut-up, swollen knuckles. Check out my red lips, it started earlier than I thought.

Monday, November 21, 2005

So sick ---- This is my song right now

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that i'm alone
Cause right now it says that we can't come to the phone
And i kno it makes no sense
Cause u walked out the door
But its the only way i hear your voice; anymore.

It's rediculous It's been months- for some reason i juz cant get over us
And im stronger than this, yea in a phase of love
No more walking around with my head down yea
I'm so over being blue, crying over you

And im so sick of love songs, so tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs, so sad and slow, so why can't i turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calendar i had, thats marked, July 15, because since theres no more you, theres no more anniversary.
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of u and and ur memory.
And now every song reminds me of what used to be

Thats the reason im so sick of love songs, so tired of tears
so done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs, so sad and slow, so why can't i turn off the radio?

oOOo Leave me alone Leave me alone
Stupid love song Hey! Dont make me think about her smile, or having my first child, then let it go..oOOo

Turning off the radio cuz im so sick of love songs, so tired of tears
so done with wishing she was still here, said im so sick of love songs, so sad and slow, so why cant i turn off the radio? why cant i turn off the radio

*Chorus 2X's*
Then, im so sick of love songs, so tired of tears
so done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs, so sad and slow, why can't i turn off the radio?
Why cant i turn off the radio? why cant i turn off the radio?

By Ne-Yo

Presents.....oh my

I mean really, do reactions get any better than this.......there were so many but these two are priceless

More fun pictures from party

Like how happy they are to watch their girls on their birthday. I love you two!!
What a nice picture over all, I don't really like me, but I like US and that's what matters.
I LOVE THIS ONE, what a group of ladies!! We are cute!!

Before I was a Mom

Before I was a Mom

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on, pooped on, chewed on or peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom. And before I was a Grandma, I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than doubled when you see that little bundle being held by "your baby"...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

my life

I have been thinking a lot about my life and myself aver the last few months, trying to get myself together and on track to be a normal person, I am a little crazy, just ask anyone who knows me. I have definitely made improvements to myself over this last year, I mean incredible ones. I have overcome a lot and dealt with even more. I am really proud of myself and the accomplishments I have made, but there is so much more I would like to achieve for myself. I don’t know if I try to focus on too many things at once or if I can only focus on one thing, but I need to keep working I know that. I have learned a lot about myself in this last year and can even finally say that I like me; I can’t wait to fall in love with me. I wonder if that will ever happen or will it be years down the road.

I realize, or think anyway, that I will not find true love or allowed myself to be loved until I love me and that kills me. I hate it because I think I will be single forever and I am okay with that right now, but I know at some point I am going to be over R and ready for a relationship again. I want to work on letting him go, but how does one do that. I mean I don’t want to be with him, I have cut him totally out of my life; in fact it has been four months since I have seen or talked to him. I put away all the memories (except for pics cause they are in albums, but I don’t look at them). I don’t associate with anyone he does anymore. In spite of all this, I still think of him and dream about him.

I heard a song on the radio that felt like I was singing it, I will try to find the lyrics.

I got totally off topic here, Me being positive that is and being proud of all the changes I have made and moving forward to better myself, fall in love with myself and be a good role model for my daughters. I will continue to make changes and be proud of what I have done in this last year.

For all of you who have known me for a while you know what I am talking about and for all of you who don't know I am finally doing right by ME.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Cakes by Mushie, thanks so much!!!

They were perfect and the girls were so excited. I wish we captured the moment they saw them on camera, actually, I might have, hope to get pics back tomorrow. You are a wonderful Auntie and the cakes were an incredible gift to the girls.

Check out the talent, but she only does this for MY kids:

Here'ssssssssssssss TOBIE

I love my new doggy, she is a blessing!!! Wow talk about finding the perfect dog, she is it. I was so glad everyone got to come over and meet her in person too. I miss my Snickers, but I couldn't have asked for a better dog than Tobie as my next one. She has a wonderful personality, she listens, she is super with the baby and she is a snuggler!!!! :)

Monday, November 14, 2005

What a wonderful reunion and way to celebrate my daughters' bday

My weekend was wonderful, I was off Friday. I went to my apartment to pack and I got my room, the kids room, my bathroom and the living room and dining room completely packed. All I have left is the hall bathroom, main closet and kitchen, YEAHHHHH!!! I was thinking, once the apartment in totally emptied we should have a get together, there will be lots of room! ;)

On Sat., moved some more boxes over and started getting stuff ready for the party. The kids were so excited and stayed out in the driveway as soon as the sun started going down awaiting everyone. Great-Grandma Joan, Grandma Max, and Grandpa arrived first. Then it seemed like everyone else should up all at once about five minutes apart. The girls were smiling from ear to ear non-stop and once they saw the cakes Mushie made for them.(pictures coming tomorrow) We all hung out for awhile snapped lots of pics, we threw on Monster-in-law and watched some of it. We did cake for the girls and they got the traditional face smooshing, opened presents. They were just some overwhelmed with all the presents and very thankful, said thank you to each person after they opened them. Then Kiem busted out a video from their third bday and we all watched it together, laughing our asses off, I mean hard. Tyra was all emotional from having everyone over and feeling like the "Old times" that the video set it off for her and she broke down in "happy" tears. She had a tight feeling in her chest and couldn't hold back her tears. It was really neat to watch, Aimee saw it all happen and said it was amazing to see her expression. It was a great party and I have never cooked so many eggs in my life, 30 eggs, it definitely is the most I have ever cooked at once. We had a great breakfast, Kiem put Tricia's scooter together, thanks Kiem. The kids played outside most of the day on Sunday, I napped a little. :) I love naps, my doggy does too. Than I remember the girls had science experiments do on Monday and we busted our butts to compelte the projects and boards for the science fair until 1030 Sunday night. What a great weekend. It was as emotional for me as it was my daughter, who explained she had a tight feeling in her chest watching the video and having everyone together again, my sweetie!!

I love you all.

M'ers/Busted, sorry you weren't able to join us later Sat. night, I was really looking forward to seeing you both, next time, PROMISE!!!

My life quiz

This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 6.7
Mind: 6.3
Body: 6.1
Spirit: 8.3
Friends/Family: 5.2
Love: 5
Finance: 6.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

I agree with the spiritual part, but definitely not my finances, are they crazy???? Awww well, there it is!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Stolen from M'ers Blog

You're supposed to BOLD the ones you've done.:

smoked a cigarette

crashed a friend's car

stolen a car

been in love

been dumped
– I am sure I have, but I don’t really have any memories of being dumped, only doing the dumping, I will have to think about this, anyone is welcome to remind me, maybe it was so painful I have blocked it out.


been fired

been in a fist fight

snuck out of your parent's house

had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

gone on a blind date

lied to a friend
– No comments from the peanut gallery ;)

skipped school

seen someone die

had a crush on one of your internet friends

been to Canada

been to Mexico

been on a plane

purposely set a part of yourself on fire

eaten sushi

been jet-skiing

met someone in person from the internet

been moshing at a concert
– I know can you believe it and it was when I was preggy with the girls. Haaaaaa J

taken pain killers

loved and missed someone

made a snow angel

had a tea party

flown a kite

built a sand castle

gone puddle jumping

jumped in a pile of leaves
– We just did this, this week, Tyra has a blister from raking up the leaves to jump in

gone sledding – I guess at this point it’s obvious who has kids, ME

cheated while playing a game

been lonely
- Like NOW!!!!!

fallen asleep at work or school - Both

used a fake id

watched a sunset

felt an earthquake

touched a snake

slept beneath the stars

been robbed (awwwwwwww, Clussy!!! I heart you!)

been misunderstood

petted a reindeer/goat

won a contest

run a red light/stop sign

been suspended from school

been in a car accident

eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
- When I was pregnant

had deja vu

danced in the moonlight
– (Thinking of you again Clussy, at the campsite)

liked the way you looked at least at one point in time

witnessed a crime

been obsessed with post-it notes

squished barefoot through the mud

been lost

been on the opposite side of the country

swam in the ocean

cried yourself to sleep

played cops and robbers
– does it matter in what way we played??? It was still a version

recently colored with crayons – Last night with the kids, in coloring books

sang karaoke

paid for a meal with only coins

done something you told yourself you wouldn't

made prank phone calls

laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose

caught a snow flake on your tongue

written a letter to Santa Claus

been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend

blown bubbles

made a bonfire on the beach

laughed so hard you pee your pants

cheated on a test

been kissed by someone you didn't like

gone skinny dipping in a pool

Wow, as I look back I have done a lot of these things and a lot with my kids but a lot before my kids, I really hope you all do this too, I am very curious. I love these things.

More pics of my little miracles and how far they have come

This is Tyra holding my finger, my step dad's wedding band slipped over her wrist with no problem, you can see the bruising from labor on Tyra's arm and leg, poor baby
Just to get an idea how little they were, this is a few days old.
This is Tyra, bruised from head to toe from when I was pushing Tricia out naturally, Tyra was up under my ribs being crushed by my contractions, it broke my heart when I saw her for the first time and they told me what happenend. This is Three hours old, the first picture.
This is the first time I was able to hold them together with out all the tubes and breathing stuff, look how young I was, WOW, big bangs.
This is Trica three hours old and under two pounds, she still looked perfect to me even with all the wires, tubes and metal, I remember looking and saying my perfect little baby, she has been a princess since day one, the nurses were the first ones to start calling her that, funny how it has stuck, she is still a princess.

Happy Birthday Tricia and Tyra WOW 11

This is little Trica in a newborn shirt with newborn socks no bigger than my thumb. The shirt is about 7in. long

That's Tyra about 3/4 weeks old, just weighed over 2 lbs and look at her now!

My daughters’ turned 11 on Monday. I can’t believe it. I am amazed at how time flies. I remember the day I brought them home like it was yesterday. It was an early evening in Jan., Happy New Year’s to me. I packed them up in the car seats, grabbed two monitors, gave MAD love to all the nurses, video taped the whole event of course. It was cold and I bundled them all up with snow suits and they still didn’t fit in their car seats, so little, they weighed just over 4lbs. ( think about ground beef or chicken to relate, or even better, the smallest bag of sugar you can buy is usually five pounds and they were less then that). So, we get them all buckled in the car and had home about 10 minutes away and when we get there, I throw a monitor on each shoulder and carry a baby in each arm in the car seats up three flights of stairs, I had to start practicing, cause next time in addition there would be a diaper bag too. As soon as I got them up there I took off the snow suits laid them on the floor and just watched and held them, I was amazed and full of such joy. I was over flowing with emotions I didn’t have time to really feel while they were up and down during the hospital stay. I finally had my babies’ home and I could breathe and exhale because we all made it home from the hospital. At first I was told I would bring one home and than the other and at he last minute literally (the night before they told me when I went to go sleep there, the hospital makes you spend your last night with them in a room all by yourself to test you, it’s funny) they let me take them both home. I have never had so many emotions all at once; I was 20 and single with two little babies. I was nervous and scared, trying to retain everything I learned, going through the steps of Infant CPR just in case, it was a strong possibility too. Excitement like I have never experienced before. Love, Happiness, grateful and thankful, spiritual, WOW, you name it I felt it that first night and the many to follow. I was finally able to hold my babies with only one wire attached and I could even take that off when I was keeping a close eye on them, it was everything I prayed for during those first three months, I fought for those little girls, HARD and 11 years later I am more pleased with the results then I could have ever imagined I would be. I love my daughters and all the miracles, blessing and love they have brought in to my life. I am such a lucky Mom to have two wonderful and amazing, appreciative, grateful children.

Friday, November 04, 2005


When will it end, when will I feel whole and normal again, when will I stop thinking about my no good ex. Why must he be in my dreams every night when he is no longer in my daily thoughts. I have let him go, but he keeps managing to pop back up. I have no desire to be with him, or even contact him and yet every morning I wake from dreaming of him. I have not stopped dreaming about him since we broke up but now it’s every night and it’s making me crazy, causing me to think about him during the day and it is a vicious cycle I want to stop. Ex and I had the craziest relationship I have ever been in since I begin dating at 14. He was a lot younger than me and in the first 8 months of our relationship treated me like a queen and spoiled the hell out of me, but also during that time when he drank to much he abused me in all ways. After three times of serious fights/run ins while he was drunk I kicked him out, only to start dating him again 3 months later after not speaking to him the entire time. I than was completely sober and felt I had control of my life and therefore could make sure not to set myself up for the issues of the past. I was out of the environment that allowed it. I moved in with a friend, was sharing a room with my daughters and was in rehab, so I thought there is no way for that crazy shit to happen and I opened the door to allow him in again. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I had so much faith in him and us, so many high hopes that would again be destroyed. I truly loved this guy, still have love for him, but there was so much damage in the last two years the relationship was destined to fail on top of us both being co-dependant and having lots of personal issues that needed to be addressed, confronted and dealt with. So after two years I ended it, because I knew I would never have the future with him I wanted. Now, I am not a materialistic kind of person, I don’t care what kind of job my man has, as long as he has one, but I would prefer it to be legal and have some kind of scheduled hours. Ex was never going to have that, and was always going to have me at risk of losing my kids, my job, my TS clearance, as well as the horrible environment it put my kids and me in. So, knowing all this, and accepting it, why can’t he GET OUT of my head and my heart. Why is he even a thought that crosses my mind? I can’t figure it out and I don’t know how to. I know this is adding to all the stress I am feeling, it’s like the icing on my stress cake. I am looking forward to January and the start of a new year. I have also been relationship free for four months, that is a record for me and I am feeling good, not in ANY kind of hurry to hop in to a new one. It’s an odd thing for me, but I am glad I am okay with where I am emotionally with that. I am thankful for the strength to be alone and focus on my kids and myself. I miss the attention, but thank goodness for Aimee, Sean, my kids, their kids and my Tobie that are keeping me fulfilled with lots of hugs and kisses.XXOO