Moments I want to remember...

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

This will be me in a few years

when the boys start coming around, although maybe I should have it coming out of my shirt, HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! This pic made me laugh so hard!

The snooze button and off are way to close

What a morning, I hate when I oversleep; it just starts the day off crazy. I had a looong evening last night. Tricia was super emotional and I was very understanding and listened and talked to her. I tried to remind myself about my own feelings when going through this experience, much less going through it the first time. The alarm went off this morning and instead of snooze I hit OFF and went back to sleep. Not only did I go back to sleep I went in to dream status, not good. So, I jumped out of bed and ran in to the girls room, rushing them along. Got out the door and was only 10 minutes late, whoooo. Thank goodness there was nothing going on as far as me needing to meet someone. It’s only 1000 and I am ready to go. This week so far as been a lot on the emotional side.

More than anything I want to start working out regularly too and it’s always one thing after another that seems to be enough to hinder this process. I think next week when school starts I will be able to maintain some what of a more normal schedule. I am mentally exhausted too, which doesn’t help. I think I will make a schedule and then I will know what needs to get done and will do it. I am planning on making a chore list for the girls to follow too. Once school starts they will have 90 minutes, maybe a little more home until I get there to get chores and homework done.

Well, it’s been about 6 weeks, I think, since Ryan and I terminated anything that was there and I think I am doing pretty well. I am no longer taking sleeping pills and that seems to be working out. I am not having all the thoughts I did wither of him and the worries. I am working on ME and making my daughters’ and I the focus of my life, long over due. I miss sex and attention, but I am working on getting over it and finding other ways to sooth my soul. I feel good and that’s all that matters today!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Welcome to Womanhood

Well, just when I think I have no excitement in to my life, God shows me. Last night was an experience I was not prepared for and don’t think I could have possibly prepared myself for no matter what I did. Men, you may not want to read this, it’s a welcome to womanhood.

I am getting my daughters’ ready for bed and Tricia tell me she has a cut on her pee-pee, so, (not sympathetic) I tell her to put some cream on it and get to bed. It’s about 10:20 now. I go in the room to hug and kiss them good night and Tricia is crying, so now I am a little freaked out. I ask her what’s wrong, what’s the problem and finally she says, there’s blood, a lot of it and I am scared. So, I tell her to get out of bed and show me the cut, I take her in to my room and she shows me her panties, sure enough there’s a red stripe. I lay her down and say, “Show me where it hurts.” Now, women, we all know if we have a cut down there, it hurts, it doesn’t matter how little it is, it hurts, so you can imagine my surprise when she says, “It doesn’t hurt.”, now I am not in anyway, shape, or form thinking it’s her period, and than BOOM, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I am going to throw up.

Me: It doesn’t hurt?
Tricia: Nope, but it’s bleeding and I am scared
Me: Go in the bathroom and wipe yourself and tell me if there is blood
Her: Yes, it’s still bleeding
Me: (totally freaking out at this point and trying to remain cool, “big smile on face”, is what I keep repeating to myself) Baby, you got your period, how exciting (grab her and give her a big hug, smash her in to my chest so she can not see my true expression, cause the kid can read me like a book) Welcome, you are now a young lady, this is wonderful.
Her: What, what does this mean?
Me: You are a young lady now, this is very exciting (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
Her: Now what, do I have to get a stick
Me: No, why don’t you call grandma and I will run to the store and get you some pads and show you how to use them

So, I am so out of my mind right now, I drive all the way to the store on the phone with Aimee/ Barbie freaking out and get there and realized all I grabbed was my phone, smokes and a lighter, NO MONEY. So, I drive back, get money and go back to the store and search through the isle with Barbie on the phone trying to pick out a good one for her so she is comfortable. Then, the poor kid, I get home and she is sleeping already and I am trying to wake her up. “Mom, please in the morning, I am so tired, show me in the morning.”, of course I made her get up and showed her and then snuggled her back in to bed and drank my 22 of beer I grabbed while I was at the store.

The ironic part of this whole event is I took the to the doctors last week and we had a whole discussion about it, at the doctors and than on the way home, so she wasn’t freaked out at all. Her sister on the other hand was very and all she wanted to know is, “When is mine coming!!!!” Poor thing, I am so glad it was Tricia first, cause it would have been an entirely different night.

Monday, August 22, 2005

My Kiss

Part Free Love Kisser

Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience
Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot!
It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move.
And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating!

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

He is my friend

smoking ape cigarrette zoo
Smoking Ape

This is sooooooooooo funny

baby beyonce destiny's child cute
Baby Beyonce

Still getting through

So, I am making it through each day and I am still waiting for it to get easier, the being w/o …….

I have started a new book, scrapbook, after weeks of gathering and organizing pictures, I actually started last night. It’s a very special book, I guess they all are, but this one is very precious to me.

I have decided, don’t want to take pictures anymore until I can start getting serious about weight loss, yea right, I love pictures TOOOOO MUCH, but I hate seeing myself in them lately, ewwwwwwwwww. So, I worked out hard last night, ran, did the elliptical, biked and lifted. It felt good. I really wish I had a heavy bag to beat up on.

I am having a harder time getting to sleep as each night goes by, even with the sleeping meds, it sucks. I know I will get through this, just a matter of time. How much time, I don’t know, but I am strong and I know I deserve better, the BEST!!! So, even though I think I hear him outside of my window on some nights I will continue to ignore it and remind myself that love isn’t all it takes, it takes so much more.

The most important thing to me right now is getting through and staying positive, keeping busy and reminding myself of my inner strength which is POWERFUL when I am determined.

I miss him though, most of all his tenderness and laughter. Seeing the pictures is hard, but at the same time it’s nice to remember.

I really want to go back to church and I just can’t get myself there. I love church, I love listening to the sermons and hearing the choir sing, I love the way I feel and the spirit with in me. I love the strength I have after hearing the word of God. I think one reason I can’t get there is because I no longer have a home church and finding one feels overwhelming, but I am going to get past this, because I know being in the church will give me everything I am searching for right now to feel better. Plus my kids REALLY want to go, they love church. Every night I have been praying for the Lord to give me strength and guidance to get back to church, to find my way, but I know I need to make it happen too. Like working out, once I start and find my way, it’s easy, it’s just that getting started part that gets me every time.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Here we are now June 2005

Love to girl if you are reading this, we have been through it all and I love you more today than ever, through the good and the bad, we will always be!! Love you so much!
14 years later, ouch, it hurts, WOW, I think we are still cute!!

Back in the day, way back in the day

So, how funny are these? We were ummm 16 and 17 (me) in most of these. Wow it just really shows our age.

Find Your Passion (Lord knows I am lookin')

You have recently gone through some dramatic and transformative changes in your life. Whether these changes be related to your job, family life, or spirituality, the shift has taken some getting used to and you want to focus on something positive. You enjoy a lot of different pastimes, but you really want to devote yourself to something that you simply love doing. How do you find your passion? Perhaps just as important, how do you turn that passion into something meaningful and substantial in your life...
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." --Eleanor Roosevelt
A passion in life isn’t something you’re born with. It’s cultivated by your interests, what stimulates you and what you are genuinely excited about. But what if you want to pursue many avenues and just don’t know which one you’d be the most successful at or want to invest the most time in? Or what if nothing particularly lights the proverbial fire under your bottom, but you have a lot of energy that you could devote to something? Or maybe you’re stuck in a job you despise, but don’t know what other route to take that would truly be fulfilling. Don’t fear. We have plenty of ideas to get your creative juices flowing so that you can find your passion, and make something worthwhile of it.
Answer these QuestionsAnswering the following questions is a great exercise in deciding where your passion may lie and what direction to go in. Write down your answers and look for a common theme. Your passion might be so obvious that it pops right off of the page.
What do you love about yourself?
What did you want to be when you were a child?
If money were no object, what would you want to do?
What do you daydream about or think about during downtime?
How do others perceive you?
List five things you really enjoy doing and five things you’re really good at.
Name one thing you’ve always dreamed about doing but never told anyone about.
Look AroundYour passion could be right under your nose, but you just might not be in tune with it. Watch out for signs or for moments that inspire you or move you. It might come in the form of a movie, a human interest story from a newspaper or neighbor, or a great ending to a great book. Go through your closet or look through old photo albums. You may have simply “stored” away memories of any passions or inspirations you had as a child or before you were married, had children or started in the work force. Once you’re aware of everything around you, finding your passion might seem easier.
You know that networking is a great tool to use in job hunting, but it’s also a great tool to use to help find your passion and turn that passion into a productive endeavor. Let people in on your passion and dreams: They’ll become more of a reality the more you talk about them and when an opportunity pops up that relates to that passion, they’ll let you know! If the passion you’ve discovered has to do with a dream job, keeping the lines of communication open with all sorts of people will only increase your chances of pursuing your passion and achieving a goal.

Get Involved
Getting involved in volunteer projects is a fantastic way to test the passion waters. Start out by volunteering with one group. It can be at a soup kitchen, animal rescue group or reading to children at the library for an hour. Really begin to feel what it means to do something positive for someone else – many people associate their passion with service. They feel it’s their purpose and their calling. Volunteer where you are drawn to, and then volunteer with something at the opposite end of your passion spectrum. The more projects you’re able to experience, the more your imagination will be sparked.

Take a Risk and Reach for the Stars
Nobody can live your life for you - your destiny is in your hands. If you’ve found your passion, you’re already on your way. If you’ve found a passion that seems a little more intangible than others, give it some serious thought, but don’t be afraid to go for it. Too many people don’t follow their passion because they let the possibility of failure stop them before they even try. How will you know if things are possible if you don’t try? Be proactive, reach for the stars and turn your passion into something productive and meaningful that will enrich your life.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

My Personality score

Haven't had a chance to read yet, so I am not sure if it is on point or not.

This report estimates the individual's level on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model. The description of each one of the five broad domains is followed by a more detailed description of personality according to the six subdomains that comprise each domain.
A note on terminology. Personality traits describe, relative to other people, the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. Possession of a trait is therefore a matter of degree. We might describe two individuals as extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the other. This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or "high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to be seen by others as relatively extraverted. The computer program that generates this report classifies you as low, average, or high in a trait according to whether your score is approximately in the lowest 30%, middle 40%, or highest 30% of scores obtained by people of your sex and roughly your age. Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age.
Please keep in mind that "low," "average," and "high" scores on a personality test are neither absolutely good nor bad. A particular level on any trait will probably be neutral or irrelevant for a great many activites, be helpful for accomplishing some things, and detrimental for accomplishing other things. As with any personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only approximate an individual's actual personality. High and low score descriptions are usually accurate, but average scores close to the low or high boundaries might misclassify you as only average. On each set of six subdomain scales it is somewhat uncommon but certainly possible to score high in some of the subdomains and low in the others. In such cases more attention should be paid to the subdomain scores than to the broad domain score. Questions about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by showing your report to people who know you well.
John A. Johnson wrote descriptions of the five domains and thirty subdomains. These descriptions are based on an extensive reading of the scientific literature on personality measurement. Although Dr. Johnson would like to be acknowledged as the author of these materials if they are reproduced, he has placed them in the public domain.
Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented, individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.
Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.
Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
EXTRAVERSION...............94 **********************************************************************************************
..Friendliness.............96 ************************************************************************************************
..Gregariousness...........97 *************************************************************************************************
..Assertiveness............37 *************************************
..Activity Level...........63 ***************************************************************
..Excitement-Seeking.......87 ***************************************************************************************
..Cheerfulness.............94 **********************************************************************************************
Your score on Extraversion is high, indicating you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.
Extraversion Facets
• Friendliness. Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is high.
• Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is high.
• Assertiveness. High scorers Assertiveness like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. They tend to be leaders in groups. Low scorers tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. Your level of assertiveness is average.
• Activity Level. Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. Your activity level is average.
• Excitement-Seeking. High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. Your level of excitement-seeking is high.
• Cheerfulness. This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits. Your level of positive emotions is high.
Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.
Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.
Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.
Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
AGREEABLENESS..............74 **************************************************************************
..Trust....................95 ***********************************************************************************************
..Morality.................32 ********************************
..Altruism.................38 **************************************
..Cooperation..............64 ****************************************************************
..Modesty..................78 ******************************************************************************
..Sympathy.................55 *******************************************************
Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.
Agreeableness Facets
• Trust. A person with high trust assumes that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. Persons low in trust see others as selfish, devious, and potentially dangerous. Your level of trust is high.
• Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is low.
• Altruism. Altruistic people find helping other people genuinely rewarding. Consequently, they are generally willing to assist those who are in need. Altruistic people find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. Low scorers on this scale do not particularly like helping those in need. Requests for help feel like an imposition rather than an opportunity for self-fulfillment. Your level of altruism is average.
• Cooperation. Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. Your level of compliance is average.
• Modesty. High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. Your level of modesty is high.
• Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is average.
Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.
Nonetheless, acting on impulse can lead to trouble in a number of ways. Some impulses are antisocial. Uncontrolled antisocial acts not only harm other members of society, but also can result in retribution toward the perpetrator of such impulsive acts. Another problem with impulsive acts is that they often produce immediate rewards but undesirable, long-term consequences. Examples include excessive socializing that leads to being fired from one's job, hurling an insult that causes the breakup of an important relationship, or using pleasure-inducing drugs that eventually destroy one's health.
Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively disallows contemplating alternative courses of action, some of which would have been wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.
A hallmark of intelligence, what potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, is the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.
The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. Unconscientious people may be criticized for their unreliability, lack of ambition, and failure to stay within the lines, but they will experience many short-lived pleasures and they will never be called stuffy.
Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
..Self-Efficacy............34 **********************************
..Orderliness..............10 **********
..Achievement-Striving.....37 *************************************
..Self-Discipline..........33 *********************************
Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.
Conscientiousness Facets
• Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is average.
• Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is low.
• Dutifulness. This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. Your level of dutifulness is low.
• Achievement-Striving. Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. Your level of achievement striving is average.
• Self-Discipline. Self-discipline-what many people call will-power-refers to the ability to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. People who possess high self-discipline are able to overcome reluctance to begin tasks and stay on track despite distractions. Those with low self-discipline procrastinate and show poor follow-through, often failing to complete tasks-even tasks they want very much to complete. Your level of self-discipline is average.
• Cautiousness. Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. Your level of cautiousness is low.
Freud originally used the term neurosis to describe a condition marked by mental distress, emotional suffering, and an inability to cope effectively with the normal demands of life. He suggested that everyone shows some signs of neurosis, but that we differ in our degree of suffering and our specific symptoms of distress. Today neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic's ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.
At the other end of the scale, individuals who score low in neuroticism are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that low scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.
Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
NEUROTICISM................15 ***************
..Anger....................3 ***
..Depression...............68 ********************************************************************
..Self-Consciousness.......8 ********
..Immoderation.............42 ******************************************
..Vulnerability............53 *****************************************************
Your score on Neuroticism is low, indicating that you are exceptionally calm, composed and unflappable. You do not react with intense emotions, even to situations that most people would describe as stressful.
Neuroticism Facets
• Anxiety. The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless. Your level of anxiety is low.
• Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is low.
• Depression. This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings. Your level of depression is high.
• Self-Consciousness. Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. Your level or self-consciousness is low.
• Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is average.
• Vulnerability. High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed. Your level of vulnerability is average.
Openness to Experience
Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. They tend to be, compared to closed people, more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and nonconforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of openness to experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.
Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on openness to experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.
Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves open to experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.
Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE.....71 ***********************************************************************
..Imagination..............90 ******************************************************************************************
..Artistic Interests.......88 ****************************************************************************************
..Emotionality.............44 ********************************************
..Adventurousness..........80 ********************************************************************************
..Intellect................18 ******************
..Liberalism...............49 *************************************************
Your score on Openness to Experience is high, indicating you enjoy novelty, variety, and change. You are curious, imaginative, and creative.
Openness Facets
• Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is high.
• Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is high.
• Emotionality. Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. Your level of emotionality is average.
• Adventurousness. High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines. Your level of adventurousness is high.
• Intellect. Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. Your level of intellect is low.
• Liberalism. Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties. Your level of liberalism is average.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

What is wrong with me....

So, I suck and I am not motivated and I hate it. I am going through pics to make books and I see all the pics of me that I love and I want to look like that again, but yet, I am not motivated, what the hell is wrong with me????? So, I am sitting here trying to figure out if I am depressed, lazy, tired, what??? Nope the answer hasn't come to me. I think it might be a combination of everything, plus I am PMSing (sorry Mart).

The worst part of going through all the pics is I came across all these pictures of Ry and I tonight, we looked so happy, the pics were from 2003. :( I miss his friendship, but I continue to remind myself of the life style, no good for me!!!! I think I will go run on the tredmill and than hit the sheets.

I got lots of compliments on my hair today!!! I want it just a little darker. I can't wait for the weekend to get here, or even Thursday at 1630.

Thank you Lord for all my blessings and for giving me strength to get through each day. AMEN!!!!!!

Ex #1 and the visit

So, the visit with ex #1, "More" went good. We actually saw each other about a month ago, we went to a concert. I was so tired when I got to his house allllllll the way out in BFE Fredericksburg, so I climbed on his bed, kicked my shoes off and laid down for a few. We flipped through the channels, watched some of the stupidest movie ever made (can’t think of the name). Then he preformed a few of his most recent songs for me. This is always his favorite part of the night, whenever I go over there. He asked for a massage, here we go. So, I wasn’t really sure about this cause everyone knows where a good massage leads to and I am just not ready to go there yet, but I gave him a massage. I just made sure I kept it very platonic and did my best not to give off any sensual vibes, this usually comes naturally, but I think I did a good job. So when that was all over he asked me to crack his toes and than we just watched some more tv. I went and talked to his Mom for a little while, she was VERY excited to see me. She and I have always been very close, she said some of the family was asking about me just the other day, that was nice to hear. His nephew, Train, said we were just talking about you and the girls last night. He is very sweet, just turned 13. I met him when he was 8. So he dragged me back downstairs and we were lying in his bed, it about 2 now, and I am really tired. Here it comes, he tries to get jiggy wit it and I turn him down QUICK. He is really taken back by this cause he is used to getting his way, especially form me. He accepted it, I mean what choice did he have, but he was not happy. I told him to go take a cold shower and get over it. I explained my reasoning to him and he explained his. I know he still loves me, I can see it in his eyes and feel it when he is next to me. The funniest to me is that everything I have ever given him still remains in his room, most of the things in there exact places we chose, and even the hand made little keepsakes. That made me happy. Most people get rid of that stuff when a relationship is over and it’s been a little over two years. So, we will see how things go, but at least I have put it out there that I won’t be putting out.

Monday, August 01, 2005

How cute is this....

this is how I feel today

A little sad

What a weekend…..a crazy weekend. I saw two of my ex boyfriends this weekend. Both were really nice experiences though. I tend to maintain great relationships with my ex’s after we break up and most of the time we remain friends. Not in the case with my most recent boyfriend. I hate the fact that it had to end so nasty and I had to be such an ugly person. I think because I love him so much, but his life style I hate and it just isn’t something I can deal with. I have had a really hard time with this, over the last year. Enough was enough though and I had to make a good decision for me and my daughters’ and keeping him in my life was me asking for nothing but trouble. I do miss him, I miss him so much, his friendship most of all. Will he ever grow up and grow out of that life-style, I can no longer wish for that, must let go, or should I say, must stay strong and continue letting go..

Why is letting go so hard, so painful? Why is it that EVERY song I hear makes me think of him? Why can’t I just accept it wasn’t good and let go. Why must I lay in bed at night and want him next to me? Why am I am I so emotional? Why can’t he change? Not for me but for himself and his kids? Why ask why, huh?! I wish I knew what was going on with him, but at the same time I think who cares, get over it, he is not what you want in your life, so it doesn’t matter. There are so many “bad” things that come with him, just one to many. I am trying to remind myself of those and not how loving and caring, gentle and warm he was. Mind over Heart, that’s what I must focus on.

What’s so crazy to me is that after everything I can still miss him and love him. It would be so much easier right now if I hated him. It is just not in me to “hate”, I can get angry but it usually fades quickly. Sometimes this can be a great thing, but in this situation, it’s not. The other thing is I hate feeling sad. I am feeling a little sad today.