Moments I want to remember...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Just when I thought I had seen it all

Sponsored annually by local radio station 96 Rock, the hottest moms-to-be turn out in their best two-pieces for this tummies-out, no-holds-barred showdown under the hot Atlanta sun. While the ladies model their burgeoning midriffs in t-shirts, sexy gowns and skimpy swimwear, non-pregnant audience members kick back with beer-filled baby bottles.

Yes, that's a ''Missed Period'' sash.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

This is really for me, but you are welcome to read at your own risk

So, I have really been contemplating this issue I am having and I wasn’t going to write about it because it is so personal, but then I decided this blog is about me and documenting as a journal, so if you aren’t ready for some real deep shit, don’t continue reading.

Growing up I was sexually abused from age 5-13. I was abused by four different men. My grandfather, which was only for a week when I was five and went to stay with my grandparents in Kentucky, after that one time, I never saw them again. They are both deceased as of this year. Following that my best friend’s father (which is why I am bringing this all up) abused me in her home for an entire 8 years. He was from
El Salvador and one of those typical nasty men you see hanging out the window yelling “Mommacita, hey babbbbbby” along with many other degrading comments. The thing was, I didn’t have a father growing up and he was it, the male figure that came in to my life and took over that role and in addition to the horrible part he was also a “Papi” to me, treated me the same as his daughter (who he got pregnant when she was 13). Bottom line, he is a sick man. The thing of how this all really started was Mgs (my friend) was not allowed to spend the night out, typical in many Hispanic families, so I always went to her house. The fact that he took over that fatherly role in my life I trusted him and dealt with it. So this brings me to an issue I am now being faced with and don’t know how to deal with it.

My daughter has a best friend in school, a friend that she bonded with when we moved to our place last year. She loves this little girl and they have so much in common and get a long really good. She asked if her friend could spend the night, of course. So she called her friend and asked her and she explained to my daughter that she is not allowed to spend the night out, but T can spend the night at her house after I meet her parents.

Now, here I am faced with my childhood and the horrible events I went through to be able to have sleepovers and protect my friend. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying all Hispanic men are child molesters, but having gone through it, I am feeling uneasy about the situation. – More details of the circumstance, T is not very popular in school and only has a few friends unlike her sister and this is the Favorite one, the one she gets along with the best. – So, what in the hell am I suppose to do???? Oh, and the girl has five brothers, that just added to the situation. I don’t want to force my issues and experiences on my children, I would hate to hold them back based on my unfortunate circumstances in life, but this one has really hit me HARD, Deep. If my daughters’ ever had to go through that I would never forgive myself for not being over protective. It’s a catch 22 for me and I don’t know what to do. I think I have pretty much made my decision, just wanted to see it on paper and try to make sure I haven’t missed anything. I am not ready to risk anything happening and the five brothers is more of a factor to me than anything thing right now. Am I being to protective, is there such thing, if I weren’t abused as a child, would all of this even be a thought?

Where is the mother handbook when I need it?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Does it mean something, or am I just crazy??

Am I crazy for thinking it’s just really not normal to spend in excess of three hours on the phone with someone. Ex “More” and I were on the phone again for over three hours last night. I am so sleepy today, but at the same time feel happy and refreshed inside. We laughed so many times last night, HARD. I am talking laughing to the point where we couldn’t speak and ended up coughing. It was great. We talked about anything and everything there is to talk about and at the same time, nothing. We went back down memory lane a little, not like last time and joked about how we knew what the other looked like in that moment with a big smile on the face. We completed each others sentences and thoughts, not unusual, but still very special to me.

So, when I hang up, it really has me thinking, is this special or is it just him? I mean am I crazy to think I am the only person he has three hour + conversations with or not? Plus to hear the way we laugh so hard together and how intense it is for both of us, I know personally aside from Clussy punching me in the mouth, I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile. And how many three hour conversations can you have in a day? I know I am just rambling here. My point is, I don’t want to think that I am different from any other female in his life, even though in my heart I believe that to him I am. Don't want to "Assume" though.

I guess the nice part is we are finally falling back in to a really healthy friendship and he is beginning to let me in again, very slowly. I mean, it’s been over two years since we broke up, but the wall around him is very high and I am just seeing a layer or two off the top coming down.

I didn’t realize how much I missed my friend.

MJJ, love you!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

really cool blog

The Amazing story of how we met, the ex "More" and I

Back in 1999 on my daughters’ fifth birthday I was pregnant with another set of twins. The doctors had already told me about a week before that I most likely would not carry them and miscarry. On the evening of my girls’ bday I started to bleed. I was terrified and upset and I got on the internet to see what was happening and if I needed to do anything. Up until this point, after the miracles of my daughters’, I didn’t really listen to what the doctors said and was in denial about losing the babies.

I hopped on the net to investigate what was happening and all of these people are IMing me, clicking them off and staying focused on reading everything I can pull up. I am sitting in my desk chair crying and an IM comes through, I have an overwhelming feeling as if God has sent this angel to me and I go with it. (My faith is very strong and I don’t ever second guess when I think God is talking to me) So, I start chatting with this stranger and with in an hour my tears are now laughter and I have kinda pushed the whole situation out of my mind. I am having one of the best conversations with a stranger and feel completely comfortable as if I were chatting with my best friend. I don’t know anything about him other than he makes me laugh and we seem to have a lot in common and good communication skills with each other. That first night we chatted for 5-6 hours, never asking each other any questions about identity, just enjoying company.

A week goes by and I think about him every day and then we chat again, this time until I have to get in the shower to go to work. We make plans to meet later that night to chat some more. Still no talk of what the other looks like, age or anything.

After a few more nights of chatting the question finally comes, because at this point I think we both realized there is a strong connection. As for me, I didn’t even care, because already this is someone I called “Friend” and the physical means nothing. I respond and type, “blue eyes, blond hair, and thick.” His reaction, “Your white”, very funny, we still laugh about that. So, then we find out there is only 45 minutes between us. WOW!! I ask him to tell me about himself, but he doesn’t, so I still have no idea and don’t really care. We decide our next conversation will be on the phone. I guess we got on the phone somewhere between 10-11 and were on until 630 the next morning. We did this a few nights and decided to meet.

I am so nervous, never done this kind of thing before. I call all my friends and tell them I am going to meet him and we are planning to go see a movie. I don’t have a cell phone at the time. I let my roommate (Marsha) know if I am not home by this time, call the police. At this point I didn’t even know his real name. Yes, I am crazzzzy.

We meet at Potomac Mills Mall. We chose the front main entrance to meet. He ask me what I will be wearing and I tell him; jeans, white shirt and black boots. To this he says, “Oh, like every other white girl in the mall”, I ask him to tell me what he will have on and he says” if the connection between us is the way you think, you will know me when I walk through the door.” Now, up until this point I know nothing other than he is black and he has told me several different heights and weights to get a reaction form me, which he didn’t, cause I told him I didn’t care. When he decides not to share any info with me I let him know it will be easy to find me cause I will be the girl with a the guys around her because I will be smiling at everyone that walks through the door. Still didn’t give up any info!!!!

I get ready, nervous and running around like crazy I never paid attention to the time and now am not sure what time we said we would meet. So, I head to the mall and wait and wait and wait, feels like forever, but realistically, was about 20 minutes. I call Marsh from the near by pay phone to see if he has called and chat with her, she is scared for me too, and in walks the man of my dreams. I am praying this is him, but in my head I am thinking there is no way, cause he is beautiful. So, I smile, and when we catch eyes, I know it’s him. I drop the phone, grab it back up and all I can say is “OH MY GOD” and then hang up. So, we walk to each other, everything feels like slow motion. We greet with a nice bug hug and check one another out, it seems like we are both fairly content. We talk for a minute, laugh about the whole crazy thing and head towards the movies. The movie doesn’t start for about 30 minutes, but we go in and hang out. I am still amazed at how good he looks.

He was a gentleman the entire night, even gave me his jacket when I was cold in the movies, didn’t try anything funny. After the movie was over though, we had to walk outside through the parking lot (very dark and secluded) to our cars back out front. I was so nervous at this point, eeeeeekkk. So, I ask him what is full name is and he gives up the goods.

Crazy thing: His first and last names are the same names I chose when I was younger in reverse for a baby boy if I had one. That was so weird to me and of course when I told him he didn’t believe me. I think he still doesn’t to this day. I am sure it is written somewhere from 1989 when I decided that.

We get to our cars safely and I go sit in his with him so he can drive me to mine, I check the time and we are getting close to time for Marsh to call the police. I am not ready for the night to end though. He asks me if I want to go get something to eat, of course. I borrowed his cell phone and called home and let them know I was okay and I wouldn’t be home anytime soon, but not to worry.

Over food it all comes out. I ask him what made him IM me, cause for me it was just so bizarre how it went down and what I was going through. He tells me it’s kinda crazy. He asks me questions and although we haven’t talked about religion up to this point I decide to put it all out there. I tell him I was miscarrying and when he IMed me I felt like God was sending me an Angel and he did. I told him how I clicked everyone off and only talked to him and it was wonderful. So, then he shares the goods, “When I was just scrolling through names, I came across yours and I felt a similar feeling like I needed to know you.” this was the first time we held hands, sorta, across the table. I think we both knew at that moment we would be friends for life and God had brought us together for a reason.

At the end of the night when were in the parking lot at my car, I wanted to kiss him, wow, I remember that feeling like it was yesterday, but I was so nervous. Before him I had been with my previous Boyfriend “Ex 2/ Less” for 5+ years. So, this was all so new to me like the first time. He leaned over and held my hand and sweetly asked, “Can I kiss you?” Awwwwww, “Yes!!!!!!!!”

And here we are still the best of friends since 1999. We dated off and on for three years, the off and on was all me and I hurt him time and time again, but the last time when I really said it was over, it was and he was not good for a looooooong time. I have always told him though I believe, really and truly, we are soul mates and I am sure those of my friends who have seen us together can testify.

The other funny thing to this story, he is a native New Yorker, born and raised in Brooklyn and until that point had never dated a "White" girl. :) Haaaaaaa!!!!!

Is it Love???????????????


Last night I talked to my ex 1, "More" and I am just not sure with the feelings I feel and what to do with them. There is a whole amazing story about how we met and I will write that up, but even now, after being apart for 2 years we continue to have this amazing connection and friendship. A little history, when we were dating we were like two peas in a pod, best friends. We new what the other was going to do and we completed the others’ sentences, all the time, this wasn’t a freak thing. We would stay up n the phone, at least nights out of the week, for hours. When I say hours I mean 4-6 hours of talking on the phone regularly. This went on for the entire three years we dated off and on (my issues). So, the last two years have been kinda weird, it took him a awhile to really talk to me again w/o bringing up all the pain/hurt/devastation I caused him, but I think now we have passed that. When I broke up with him I started dating a guy, went out on one date and he moved in, so Ex was caught off completely immediately. Moving along, we have been talking on a regular basis again, not like before, but at least once a month for almost a year and last night, well we were on the phone for three hours. I can’t even tell you what we talked about, except, at one point we reminisced about a lot of our memories and laughed, hard. When I hung up I had that feeling that I used to have when were we dating and I missed him. I know he still has love for me and he knows I still love him, but I have hurt him so many times that, well, I don’t know. He has been the ONE man in my life I have always felt completely comfortable with, 100% natural and last night I felt that and it was refreshing to just talk. We have hung out a few times (nothing’s happened), but there has always remained that uncomfortable feeling in the air of “You hurt me bitch” even if he didn’t express it. I know I am not ready to jump in to any type of relationship right now, focusing on ME, but it was so nice to have my friend back, one that I love and can share anything with and be Me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I read this no problem, only one word stumped me

for about a second, but I just thought it was so funny I wanted to share.

Can you read this?

Olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

My kids have managed to break me down again

So, my daughters’ have been asking me for these fake hair pony tail things for a couple years now and I have refused to buy them. I just didn’t think they would look right and I never thought I would be able to find a match for their hair color. I know people will be able to tell its fake, but how obvious does it have to be. I have many co-workers that wear them in their hair and they look nice. So, when we were out in the boon docks they found one and wanted to get it, nope I said, we will look when we get home. It was this little piece of something that looked like Barbie doll hair(not that nice though) and would have never covered the hair they have or mixed in nicely with their own hair, so I stood firm on my “NO”

Of course as soon as we get closer to him they start talking about it and then once we get all the bags in the question comes. So, I tell them we will look for one, I am not saying I will buy it, but we can see what we find. We go to the Dollar General walking distance from my house and look, nothing. What do you know though, a few stores down is a wig/weave shop and an entire wall of pony tails. Just my luck!!! NOT! Although it is my luck the store is closed cause it’s about 6 something on Sunday.

Anyhow, I took the girls there yesterday and we found them each a “fake” pony tail to put in the hair. I explained to them that this doesn’t mean they don’t get their hair done. The only way it will look nice in their hair is if we come it out completely and blow dry it so it doesn’t go wild while in a pony tail. Of course they agree to what ever my demands are, because they want it so bad.

Got home, undid all my hard work of many pony tails and sprayed their hair down and got out the blow dryer. Pulled it in to a tight pony tail and pinned it down with bobby pins. And the grand finally, put on the drawstring pony tail. I wish I had a digital to share the results, will post pics next week. It actually looked decent, but not real by any means. They were happy and that’s the bottom line. So, I can’t wait to get home and hear the reactions. I talked to some of my black co-workers with daughters and they all use them, so I don’t feel so bad about it.

Tyra picked out a curly one and Tricia a straight full pony tail.
Tyra's is not as big as this one though, just covers the back, but this one is pretty!!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Roughing IT for REAL (pt 1)

Roughing it for real!!!! That’s what I did this past weekend with my daughters, friend Aimee and her daughter Hannah. We have been planning this trip for a couple months, rented a cabin and were to get away from it all and spend some time with our girls. I made a list of things we needed to bring and everyone chose items off the list. I call Cluss, cause all my camping stuff is being stored at her house and ask her to drop off a few things with Barbie, cause she is close to her office. A few things, the main things, camping stove, lantern, and grill set. Oh, and Barbie is bringing the cooler too, cause we have 3 kids and two adults in my car, not much room for extras. So, we are all set, Aimee, the kids and I are on the road a little before two and head out in to SERIOUS country VA. We get there and there is nothing but houses every where we look, no stores, we had passed a Food Lion, but that was about 45 minutes back and prior to that nothing after we left Fredericksburg. So, we unpack; get the cabin set up, sheets in the beds and all that good stuff and check out the site. The pool is green, not the normal blue color water is, so that is scary. The kids are excited and roaming around the grounds exploring on their own, very happy cause there is water near by, the Potomac River. They don’t care that there are jelly fish, cause there is a Pier they can run around on and scare the hell out of us, not a very sturdy one.

So, we go back up to the check in and ask where there is a store near buy, hmmmmm, back to Food Lion we go. We get reception somewhere along the way and talk to Barbie who let’s us know Titi is sick and she will not be coming. So, here we are out in the country with no lantern, knife, camping stove, grill set, and most of all COOLER. We made so and got to know our neighbors who let us borrow some stuff we couldn’t even find to buy. We ended up getting a plastic tub to use as a cooler, nope, won’t do that again, the ice melted so fast we must have bought a million (harmonism) bags of ice. We made it work and we had a good time, swam in the green pool (will post pics later) and cooked everything using the fire and grill. It was an experience to remember and an adventure I won’t forget, but more importantly it was a beautiful weekend away from it all and a bonding time with my girls, all of them.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

GAS, i think that says it all

Alright, am I the only one freaking out about the price of gas? I mean this is really getting out of control! I guess more than anything I am freaked out cause my closest friends live 45 miles away from me. I am not even going to be able to afford to go see them soon. They reported this morning on WTOP that the price of gas will be $5 in the next few months. I filled up last night and it was over $45. So, I am just thinking, I have to factor $200 a month for gas alone, if I don’t go anywhere and if it doesn’t continue to go up. I was telling the girls I remember, not that many years ago, when it was $.79. Something needs to happen, I mean I think this is really crazy and maybe it’s just me! Unfortunately there is nothing, I can do about it and that SUCKS!!!!

Thanks Barbie for the wonderful pic of how I am feeling this morning