Moments I want to remember...

Friday, November 04, 2005

LEAVE ME ALONE

When will it end, when will I feel whole and normal again, when will I stop thinking about my no good ex. Why must he be in my dreams every night when he is no longer in my daily thoughts. I have let him go, but he keeps managing to pop back up. I have no desire to be with him, or even contact him and yet every morning I wake from dreaming of him. I have not stopped dreaming about him since we broke up but now it’s every night and it’s making me crazy, causing me to think about him during the day and it is a vicious cycle I want to stop. Ex and I had the craziest relationship I have ever been in since I begin dating at 14. He was a lot younger than me and in the first 8 months of our relationship treated me like a queen and spoiled the hell out of me, but also during that time when he drank to much he abused me in all ways. After three times of serious fights/run ins while he was drunk I kicked him out, only to start dating him again 3 months later after not speaking to him the entire time. I than was completely sober and felt I had control of my life and therefore could make sure not to set myself up for the issues of the past. I was out of the environment that allowed it. I moved in with a friend, was sharing a room with my daughters and was in rehab, so I thought there is no way for that crazy shit to happen and I opened the door to allow him in again. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I had so much faith in him and us, so many high hopes that would again be destroyed. I truly loved this guy, still have love for him, but there was so much damage in the last two years the relationship was destined to fail on top of us both being co-dependant and having lots of personal issues that needed to be addressed, confronted and dealt with. So after two years I ended it, because I knew I would never have the future with him I wanted. Now, I am not a materialistic kind of person, I don’t care what kind of job my man has, as long as he has one, but I would prefer it to be legal and have some kind of scheduled hours. Ex was never going to have that, and was always going to have me at risk of losing my kids, my job, my TS clearance, as well as the horrible environment it put my kids and me in. So, knowing all this, and accepting it, why can’t he GET OUT of my head and my heart. Why is he even a thought that crosses my mind? I can’t figure it out and I don’t know how to. I know this is adding to all the stress I am feeling, it’s like the icing on my stress cake. I am looking forward to January and the start of a new year. I have also been relationship free for four months, that is a record for me and I am feeling good, not in ANY kind of hurry to hop in to a new one. It’s an odd thing for me, but I am glad I am okay with where I am emotionally with that. I am thankful for the strength to be alone and focus on my kids and myself. I miss the attention, but thank goodness for Aimee, Sean, my kids, their kids and my Tobie that are keeping me fulfilled with lots of hugs and kisses.XXOO

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