A little sad

What a weekend…..a crazy weekend. I saw two of my ex boyfriends this weekend. Both were really nice experiences though. I tend to maintain great relationships with my ex’s after we break up and most of the time we remain friends. Not in the case with my most recent boyfriend. I hate the fact that it had to end so nasty and I had to be such an ugly person. I think because I love him so much, but his life style I hate and it just isn’t something I can deal with. I have had a really hard time with this, over the last year. Enough was enough though and I had to make a good decision for me and my daughters’ and keeping him in my life was me asking for nothing but trouble. I do miss him, I miss him so much, his friendship most of all. Will he ever grow up and grow out of that life-style, I can no longer wish for that, must let go, or should I say, must stay strong and continue letting go..

Why is letting go so hard, so painful? Why is it that EVERY song I hear makes me think of him? Why can’t I just accept it wasn’t good and let go. Why must I lay in bed at night and want him next to me? Why am I am I so emotional? Why can’t he change? Not for me but for himself and his kids? Why ask why, huh?! I wish I knew what was going on with him, but at the same time I think who cares, get over it, he is not what you want in your life, so it doesn’t matter. There are so many “bad” things that come with him, just one to many. I am trying to remind myself of those and not how loving and caring, gentle and warm he was. Mind over Heart, that’s what I must focus on.

What’s so crazy to me is that after everything I can still miss him and love him. It would be so much easier right now if I hated him. It is just not in me to “hate”, I can get angry but it usually fades quickly. Sometimes this can be a great thing, but in this situation, it’s not. The other thing is I hate feeling sad. I am feeling a little sad today.