My high-school sweetheart, my first love

I am feeling so crazy, excited, confuesd, happy, crazy and so many more emotions all at the same time, I don't know which one to let take over if any.

My first love called me on Sat. night, my high school sweet heart. My best friend for so many years as well as my partner. When I was 16 and he was 17 we made a promise to eachother that if we weren't married by 30 we would find eachother and get married. We stayed in touch for many years and then lost touch about 8 years ago. I tried to find him a few times through out the last few years, but I didn't try hard.

I figured if we are meant to be it will happen and in the timing it is suppose to. I am a true believer in faith and fate. I believe in everything has a time and a place and when left in God's hands it will happen just as it is suppose to.

So, with all that being said, I could have probably found him if I wanted too, but I found out he was married so I left it alone.

History of us: We met in highschool, I was a freshmen and he was a sophmore. He was the new kid, well the "new fine as n!gga, with the beautiful eyes". I heard about him being there after second period and then was on a mission to see him, well it just so happened that he was lost and of course my out going smiley ass was the friendliest person around so he asked me to help him. We instantly had a connection a bind and became best friends. We were passing ntes by the end of the day. I was dating someone else but hung out with him more then my man. He started dating someone too and she was ready to fight me soon enough because of the time we spent together and how close we were. Eventually we hooked up and started dating later in the year. We were together for a couple years after that. We did everything together. We took alot of walks, just hung out at the park, watched sunsets and sun rises, talked on the phone for hours and hours at a time. Then we found out he was moving to North Carolina. We decided to try and maintain our relationship for a while, but I was a wild child and just couldn't do it. Plus it was lots of money for our phone cards and travel back and forth to see eachother. We decided that we would always belong to one another and that anytime the pther could get to each other we would be together. So from that point on every guy I dated I let know, if D comes back I am going to be with him. Crazy I know!!! That was all the way up to 9 years ago I did that. And sure enough anytime he came here or I went there we were together, regardless if we were invloved or not we dropped everything to be together.

The last time we saw eachother: It was March 1994, I was with the Devil at the time and thought I was in love. I head told the Devil the same thing I told all the others, "If he comes back, I am going to be with him", well, I didn't think he was going to come back at that point. So, when he did I wanted to see him and hang out with him, but of course the Devil didn't want me to, naturally. I told him I didn't want to be with D, but I wanted to see him and hang out with all my friends one night. I had my own place, but I was staying with the Devil at the time. D was staying at my place with my friends. So, the Devil got pissed and I went home. What happened after that was a whole different entry, but the bottom line is he broke up with me. At that point D and I were together. He proposed to me, I accepted and we started trying to make babies, litterally. After day five or so, I decided I wanted to work things out with the Devil and told D that something was missing, in the middle of us making love. He was very understanding and cool with the whole thing which was amazing to me. He told me he still loved me and I would always have his heart. So, that was the last time we saw eachother. We took a picture together and he drove off. After I had the girls he got word and with the timing of it he thought they were his. They came at the right time for him, but really they were three months early. So, he got in touch with me and we wrote letters back and forth for a little while. I sent him pics of the girls and told him I was happy, he let it go and eventually we lost touch.

So, I came home and saw his number on the caller ID and freaked out, I got butterflies in my tummy and had that excited feeling you get when you are a teenager or are newly in love, the excited one. So, I thought I was crazy and ran upstairs to ask Aim if I was seeing right and then I called him back. WOW, it was as if we talked the day before. I mean we just started talking and were on a roll before we realized, SHIT, I am talkin to .....! We talked for about an hour. He said all kinds of things that made me all giddy. We reminissed for a little bit and then he told me he was at work and he would call me as soon as he got off. Sure enough at like 1005 the phone rang and he must have called as soon as he walked out the door because I heard him get in to his car. We ended up talking until 230 in the morning. He told me he still loves me. He told me he was smiling from ear to ear and felt like he was a teenager again, said the excitement was like when I was coming to see him or he was coming here. I felt the same way, but I didn't tell him that. He brought up so many memories that I forgot all about. He said he has never stopped thinkin about me and still has every picture and letter/note I ever gave him. I couldn't believe it. he talked about how I helped shape the person he is today and the father he is. That made me feel good. He asked me to meet him, but I couldn't see getting in the car and driving two hours then turning around and coming back. I wanted to though. I also reminded him he is a married man and he needs to respect and honor that. He told me he married for the wrong reasons and things weren't right. He said that something was missing and he didn't know how long they would be together. I was a good girl and tried to make him positive about it although I wanted to be like leave her and be with me. I am still amazed at how the conversation folled and how natural it all was. I am amazed at all the feelings hearing his voice brought back. The next morning I wanted to wake up and call him, but I didnt and before noon he sent me a text of good morning and how he was still cheesin and couldn't wait to hear my voice again. We talked for about an hour last night. I can't wait to see him. I am not tryin to jump his bones and the feelings I am feeling are more about the friendship and that love then anything else. He and I had something very special, one of those rare finds in a friend.

I still love him and just like everything else in my life I have put it in God's hands and prayed about it.

The Date with Daddy.....

The girls had a great time with their Dad. What else is new, how can you not have a good time when you only see him once a year. Anyway…. So the story goes like this. B calls to tell me he has picked up their little sister and he is on his way. I get home from work and make sure they have all their stuff ready. Do some running around and other stuff and look at the time it’s now 5 somethin, B called me at 330ish. So, I call her and confirm that he was atill planning on picking them up, right?! We chat for a little while and then she gives me the number so Ty can call him because she has asked me 150 times when he is going to get there. No answer so I tell B to call him, he says some crap about traffic and blah blah blah he is on his way. Another 45 minutes of so goes by and now I am starting to get pissed. I mean at this point they are getting hungry, so I pick up the phone and call myself. He actually answered, I was very straight forward and emotionless, “Are you coming?” He said he was turning on to the main rd off my street. So, I rushed the girls to get ready. Ty wanted to give him the pic below, which was in my trunk so I went to get that and guess who pulled up. Now, the phone call was the first words we have spoke in years, literally. He pulls in right behind me. As I am walking away he calls me over, very cordial and nice and hands the phone to me, “Someone wants to talk to you.” What?! Is he crazy? “Who?”…..”Just take the phone”, it was his Mom. I talked to her for a bit and by that time the girls started running out. Of course both screaming and screeching with excitement to see “Daddy”. I had the pics in hand and he glanced at it and reached for it, but I pulled away. “Let me see, please” I handed him the one pic and continued to flip through to give him one of them on the first day of school too. As Tricia came running out hands in the air, smile stretched across her face he got out to hug her and the next thing was a shock, “Hi baby, you look so pretty, you look really good Trish”, just when I thought the smile couldn’t get any bigger, it did!!

I was cringing inside, but at the same time I was thankful that he was in a good mood and nice to my babies and pleasant to me. The girls had a great time with him, they went shopping and out to dinner, got back to B’s house around 10 something. When I saw them the next day they told me they had such a good time and that Daddy was going to try and get better about seeing them more often. We’ll see, cause I will only believe it when I see it!!!!!

How can he not want to be with these four all the time

(Stupid Blogger won't let me add pics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111!!!!!!!!!!)

THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this, I am so torn and confused and it sucks as a Parent (mom) to have to even be in this position.

The Devil (Daddy) called the girls' younger sister yesterday and talked to her about picking her up on Friday, she was ecstatic and then threw back at the Devil, "What about my sisters?", and apparently he responded some type of yes we can pick them up too. B called me to ask me if they wanted to go. Here comes the sick, stomach wrenching, want to throw up decision, do I tell them or not say anything, because I don't want them to go. Am I being selfish or protective? Is he going to hurt my baby again, telling her about her weight, if I ask her if she wants to go will she even remember the pain she felt? Am I going back on my own promise to never keep them from their Dad no matter what my opinion, because it's up to them? If I don't tell them and their baby sisters brings it up will they feel rejected and hurt again? Is it better to just not let them go and get over it or to let them go and suffer the next 10 months he decides not to call or see them? That's right it has been 10 months since he has seen them, not a couple or a few, 10 freaking months!!! When was the last time he saw his other daughters, oh in the last three months. How will this affect them as they get older, more mature and wiser? Have I made up for his sorry A$$ in attention? Is allowing this to go on, the seeing them once a year worse then not letting them see him at all? I honestly don't know. I guess I feel like if I don't hold them back then they can't blame me, the fault will fall on the Devil, where as if I don't let them see him it will be my fault.

I am so torn!! I grew up w/o my dad, never met him and have never even seen a picture of him. I remember when it started to bother me, at the time I begin to notice boys. I remember hating my mom (at the moment) for not allowing him to be in my life. I remember resenting her for making the decision to keep him out of my life instead of allowing me to make that decision. I was angry at her for many years about my Dad. I don't want to put my daughters through that. I also don't want to put them through thinking they have anything to do with the reason their Dad is absent in their lives or only comes around once a year and doesn't call during these missing periods either. My girls left the Devil probably close to 10 messages for him to come to their grad party and he didn't respond to one call and of course didn't show up. That really hurt them and they asked lots of questions which of course I told them, "you two will have to ask Daddy when you talk to him, because I don't know", instead of saying, "That loser A$$hole has no sense of responsibility and doesn't care enough to make an effort to respond"

I have never said a negative or bad thing about him and I don't plan on it because I firmly believe they will draw their own conclusions w/o my input. I also still think they are to young to understand why the Devil does what he does because I don't even understand it.

So, after talking to B last night I decided to ask them if they wanted to see "Daddy", because I always told myself if they want to go I will let them and the way Ty reacted you would have thought I asked her if she wanted to go to Disney World. Trish just said yes and I don't know if it's cause of the last visit or because she wasn't feeling well. I told her she didn't have to go if she didn't want to and that it was up to him. I also made sure to have my back and say It's not definite, just a possibility cause you never know when he isn't going to show, or if he will change his mind and only pick up Ti and not the twins.

So, if anyone has anything to say positive or negative I would really like some input, because all I can go off of is my own feelings.

First day of middle school

Look at my pretty girls!!! This is the morning before school. Yes, that's how every first day goes, they are scrambling to get ready and Mom is chasing them with a camera, "wait, stop, get together, smile, one more, please!!!!"
They told me I wasn't allowed to come to the bus stop and take pics, but they wanted to me to come, just not take picstures and they stressed that. Well with the rain, I behaved and left my camera in my pocket. Poor girls, I left for work and the bus didn't end up coming for a hour and ten minutes, meanwhile it was pooring rain this whole time. They finally got to school, their bus had broke down and they couldn't find a sub. By the time they got home, their hair looked NOTHING like this. Then, just to make the day perfect, they locked themselves out. What a day, the rest of the week was good and all this week too.


Ty is standing up on a step she isn't even taller the Princess!! Oh they looked so grown at the stop with their umbrellas in the rain. :)

Party of the Summer

I had a slumber party for my girls the weekend before last and it was a hit. I told the girls they could invite three friends each, what was I thinking, plus their little sister because I knew one of the lil’ sisters of their friends was coming to. So, now we’re up to 10 kids. Well, so and so heard about the party and called and was sad cause they weren’t invited and they saw so and so at the pool and they heard and next thing you know, I don’t know how many kids are showing up. We had been planning this shebang all summer and the opportunity presented itself to finally have it when I knew my roommates were headed out of town. So the girls have been AMPED up about it. I tell them to call their friends and remind them to bring bathing suits and pool passes (almost everyone that lives in my area belongs to the pools). The girls are so grown and are giving directions and I hear them providing the address and listing what will have planned for the evening. Awwwwww, so cute. I talk to a few parents, but not all, which I am surprised about. I guess I have met most of the parents at one previous school function or another. So, in addition to all these girls, they have called the boys and told them to meet us at the pool. HAAAAAA, no not funny really. So, we walk to the pool and no boys, whooo, thank goodness. I guess I spoke to soon because here they come and the parents are dropping them off. I have in my care now about 12 girls and 5 boys. I don’t know how teachers do it. We are only there for two hours, I can do this. We have one that gets made fun of and ends up crying, another that goes to bat for her and hits one of the boys, he gets a bloody nose and now I have to step in. I talk to them all and they all respect me and what I said, not that I was that worried cause I know most of these kids and their parents. Turns out one of the mothers of three of the boys can’t come pic them up yet, no biggie (just so happens to be the twin boys my girls have a crush on and their cousin). We allllllll walk back to my house and I cook. I cook a pack of hot dogs and 12 hamburgers, oh and three boxes of mac and cheese. These kids are starving, it’s about 8 now. Some how, still not sure how I did it, but I managed to feed them all, settle them down, get them out of wet clothes, make some of them take showers and sit down and eat myself. We all watched a movie together, “She’s the Man”. It starts to get pretty dark and I have sparklers that I told them we would do, so before it’s too late we pause the movie and head out to the driveway and light them up. I have Tricia helping me and the boys Mom shows up too. At this point I am EXHAUSTED and it’s only 930. We finish the movie, the boys are gone. We do crafts, make book marks, door hangers, and bracelets and them have a dance party. We play a couple games and them they dance again. Do they ever stop, am I crazy for doing this, when can I go to sleep. I decide it’s time to settle down again, pop in a movie, make 5 bags of popcorn and position them in their sleeping bags. It’s now about 2 and I head upstairs. I wake up around 3 something and smell something strong, so I peak to see what’s going on, now they are doing their nails, I just close my door and try to go back to sleep. I wake up again around 430 and all the girls are finally sleeping. Alarm goes off at 730, time to wake the first one up and get her fed and ready for her dad to pick her up. Once she is off, I start cooking. I make pancakes, eggs and fruit for the kids. After the last one is picked up, I head upstairs an sleep until 1.

I did it, and not only did I do it, I did it well and all the kids think I am the coolest and T and T are so happy and proud of their Momma. They have also informed me that on the first day of school, everyone was talking about their party and how cool it was and how "fun" you Mom is!!!!! I guess it was all worth it

Pre-teen or what?! More from the Chris Brown concert

Here they are again, my too grown looking little girls. I got these back and as I am going through them my mouth is dropping to the floor, because CRAP, are these my lil’ girls? They both almost look like teenagers, I know it’s only a year away, but I am counting on one more year to get an even closer bond to them then we have. I make them promise me on a daily basis that they will always be my best friend and never hate me!!! ;) They think I am funny when I tell them one day you aren’t going to like me and it is coming soon. I pray it doesn’t come; it doesn’t happen with all teens does it?????
REALLY, how stinkin' cute are they???