And I am the "good" girl after all

Last night I talked to D. This is such a moment of happiness for me, but also a moment of harsh reality and being grown up.

When I was 14 and met D, I loved him right from the start, he and I hit it off and were instant best friends. We did everything together and didn't worry about those we were currently involved with. We decided they would just have to deal with it and he cause he and I were just friends. Of course that only lasted so long, but unfortunately we were never both single at the same time for many months. I don't remember how many months it was before we finally got together but when we did we were "That" couple in high-school.

So this past weekend, when he came over, it was just like it was when we were younger. When he called and said he was right around the corner, my heart pounded and I had butterflies. I went outside to wait for him to pull up. As soon as he saw me, he came around the corner and pulled in the first available spot and hopped out of the car and came running. Memories, so many of them flashed through my head in those few seconds before we reached each other. It was one of those moment of your life flashing before your eyes, but everything I remembered were precious memories of me and my friend. I ramparts the first time I went to NC try visit him when I was 16 after he had moved down there and when we pulled up to the house how he was sitting waiting for me. I remembered us holding each other for minutes, a lot of them. I remembered each and everytime we saw each other after time had passed. For only a few minutes I forgot he was married and held him tight in my arms and enjoyed the flow of kisses that he was giving me all over my face, except my lips. Then reality hit me like a rock hits your windshield while driving on the highway when he stopped and was about to kiss my lips. I remembered the look and I had to turn away and break out of the arms that I used to feel so safe in. For such a skinny man I have always felt so safe in his arms and by his side. I guess because he has always defended me and had my back since we were kids. As we walked to the room, which was actually like a two bedroom apartment, he grabbed my hand and held it all the way there. He must have told he 20 times in a matter of 5 minutes how beautiful I am and how my smile melts his heart. It was nice to hear, but the whole time my conscience and morals are reminding me of his other half at home. We got in to the room and he sat on the couch and I sat on the other side. We talked and talked and talk and talked. We sat there and talked for five and a half hours w/o a break. He moved closer and closer to me, he took my feet and put them in his lap, he said he wanted to have me close to him and at that point I had to let him know that is didn't matter to me what was going on at home, he was still married.

Flash back: When we were younger we used to always claim each other, no matter what. I would always tell him, when we talked I was his and always would be and he would tell me the same. No matter who we were involved with no one ever seem to replace we held in each others hearts for many years. I remember telling him he would always be mine even if we went 20 years w/o seeing each other and then we did, I would claim him as my own and it wouldn't matter to me who he was with or what was going on, he would be mine. I guess times have changed and I have grown up and I have also accepted he isn't mine anymore. I could have been one of those woman who doesn't give fuck and I am sure I could've have had him anyway I wanted but I am not that woman. Part of me wishes I was a little, cause it's been a LOOOONG time.

So, we reminisced about everything for a couple of the hours, about all the crazy shit we did as kids and all the crazy things we did together. We were so adventurous. We just loved talking walks together. We loved playing in the rain. We loved finding new places to get it on. We loved going places we had never been. We would get in the car and just go sometimes. We loved sunsets and sunrises and watched many of them together. We were both pretty broke as teens, but we still did more then most. It was exciting all the memories he brought back to life for me that I had forgotten about and vice versa. It warmed my heart how much he remembered. I guess I never thought it meant to him as much as it did to me. We talked about the fights we had and when we made up. He told me he loved me time after time. I wanted to tell him to leave his wife, but again, I didn't.

So, at about 530 in the am I told him I had to go to sleep, because the girls and I had big plans for the day. He didn't want to leave, but he had a busy day ahead of him too.

Later that day the girls and I went by his job and he took us for ice cream next door at Cold Stone. We had a good time and he got to meet my young ladies. They bonded instantly which I thought was cool. They liked him a lot. There was lots of laughing and giggling going on. I kind of just watched and thought about him and I.

The next day he came back to our place at 0930 and we all went out to breakfast. We were there for over 3 hours and again I had to break it up cause we had to get on the road. He has called many times and is telling me how much he misses me and needs to see me/us again sooner then later. He said he is going to try to figure out how he can fix the issues and deal with them. I am not counting on anything. A a matter of fact when he said that I responded one day at a time and you don't need to jump so fast.

So here we are. I miss him and I want to call him and email him and I want to tell him how much I love him and how I feel when I am with him, but instead I am being a good girl and behaving myself. I am holding back everything I want to share and do. I know it is the right thing and I know what comes around goes around. Most importantly I know, this like my life is in His hands and that is where it will go in the direction it is meant too.