Still seeing the Ex

So, I have been hanging out with the ex more and more often and last weekend we had an incredible time together. I am still not sure where I am going with this or what I am getting myself into, but I guess I will deal with that when I need to and keep trying to figure it out in the meantime. We have been hanging out one night a weekend for about 2 months now. During the holidays things were crazy and we didn’t see each other one of the weekends, which brought us to this past weekend.

He called me and I asked him if he could hang out one night this weekend and he didn’t think so cause he had this and that to do, well we talked for a little bit and than he said let me call you back. I usually don’t hear back from him that night when he says that so when we hung up I assumed that was that. He actually called right back and asked when I could leave to come out and that we could hang out for a little while. He had to go help someone move and was going to stay at their place since he isn’t an early riser. I left soon after that and got to his place around 830, on my way there he called and asked me if I knew he would have to leave, normally I spend the night or we are up until past 4 in the morning most times when we hang out. I said yes and asked him what time he would have to leave, 11 was the answer, and I was happy because I was thinking around 10.

When I got there we just talked for awhile than he brought out a new game he had bought, it was a lot of fun. We played that and had a great time, laughing and such. He is very intelligent and was on the ball with the answers and I was pouting, so he let me answer a few, even though he knew the answer and even cheered me on when I did. He is a good sport. It was really nice and reminded me of how it used to be before I broke his heart and lost his trust. Those moments of the air feeling free with out any resentment are few these days, but this night was one and it was wonderful.

After the game we just hung out and talked, I am still not sure how we can have so much to talk about all the time, but it never seems to be an issue and we are never at a loss for words with each other. So, it is getting close to 11 and I am not ready for our pleasant evening to end so I start messing with him and before I know it, it is ON. I gave him a nice massage to relax all his muscles before the move tomorrow. While I am finishing up, he some how can always tell when I am just about done he asks what time it is. I am thinking probably 1130ish, nope 12:45, where did the time go. He doesn’t seem in any big rush and that makes me feel even better, but I motivate him to get up and get moving after we lay there for a little longer.

My ride home went faster than usual, seeing as though it is about 50 minutes, but I was feeling so relaxed and just happy.

He has always been the one person in my life that can make me forget about everything and just chill and laugh, feel free of worry. From day one when I went to his house it was like I went to my own special place where there were no issues or problems and I have always appreciated that he does that for me. When we are together we truly are in our own world and I am sure anyone that has hung out with us can attest to that.

Now here is the part that gets me, every time we have one of these really perfect nights, which is almost every time we hang out, he shuts me out the next few days and I don’t get it, I talked to Cluss about this some, I mean I kinda get it, but I don’t like it. I think because he feels he has opened up to much and let his guard down and he feels the immediate need to put it back up and not let me back in too much. I know this is my fault and I created the barrier with all the times I ended it, but how long will it be before I am trusted again and do I really want that, cause I don’t want to ever hurt him again.

More than anything he has been one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. He has never disrespected me or turned his back on me, he has always wanted what I thought was best for me and supported that. He has never asked for more than friendship through all the times I left and I never gave him that. We have always had a very deep connection on every level from day one before we ever met and I think that still fucks with both if us, I know it does me. I want to be there for him and I want him to be able to trust me again, but I also want to know I am not going to hurt him again and I am still not there yet. I will just keep processing things and trying to figure it out and continue to be respectful of the walls that are built around him.